I'm jealous of your bromance
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
