Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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