Apparently you make a good broom.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
