I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Randomize
