the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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