did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
29 People Who Do Dirty Things Just To Get Their Way
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...