Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
