dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
