She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
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He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
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His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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