Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
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She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
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Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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