you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
