Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
