you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
