You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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