I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
