Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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