I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
