'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
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I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
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may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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