someone get that fucking seahorse.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
