I just threw up on my dentist
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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