My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
