i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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