I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
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I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
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ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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