he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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