I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
