didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
