every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
