Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
