i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
