I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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