My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
