mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
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