one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
