Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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