You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
