It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
