remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
