whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
