i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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