i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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