I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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