So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
