it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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