when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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