I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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