i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
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It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
This is classic penis vs brain.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
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Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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