Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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