I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
