you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
