Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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