remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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