I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
