I wish I could punch you in the face.
I have demons in me.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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