Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
