I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
