I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
