I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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