you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
True strength comes from lack of pants
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
