The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
